Well, long story short, I came up against a bit of a mental/spiritual block. I was calling it, and I'm still calling it, a quarter-life crisis (thank you John Mayer!). This block I encountered left me feeling tired, used up and completely lost. I have no idea what goes on inside my head a lot of the time, but I'm going to venture to say this block had a lot to do with disconnecting from my inner light, oh and fear.
Fear of success, mostly; fear of how powerful and great I really am.
In the words of Marianne Williamson,
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I've read this quote many times; the first time, in Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein. This idea about fear is truly inspiring and it's an idea that many of us might not fully understand. It's an idea that I, myself, have not fully understood, until recently. Even then, it's a bit of a challenge to live by this idea. It's hard to see myself as this wondrous being, but I know that if I'm not shining my light and sharing it with the world, then the world will not be able join me in celebrating this amazing life we're so blessed to be living.
Alright, let's rewind to seven months ago:
I stopped practicing yoga.
I stopped writing and pursuing freelance opportunities.
I stopped singing.
I stopped working out and doing the things I really enjoyed.
I felt like a phony. I would say to myself, "I'm not an expert on yoga/writing/singing. Who am I to do these things and act as if I'm great at them?" I mean, I would write about living a healthy, well-balanced lifestyle, yet I was struggling to live one myself.
You see, I've been on a journey to feel and look good and to enjoy all that life has to offer. So, I read tons of books in search of the right way of living a full life. Over the years I've learned about so many different philosophies and ideologies that now I've become a bit of a skeptic, especially skeptical of my purpose in this life.
I've become confused and scared. During this time of "crisis", my skepticism and all of my self-deprecating thoughts debilitated my ambition, leaving me at a standstill. I was going back and forth with what I wanted to do with my life: Do I wanna teach yoga? Do I want to become a full-time blogger? Do I want to sing? Should I go back to school for journalism?
I became so overwhelmed with the many opportunities available to me that I stopped doing everything. I became sedentary. I wasn't following my passions and I stopped doing the things I loved to do.
Although I haven't quite figured out what career path to take, I do have an idea of what I want my life to feel and look like, and I know that life isn't just about a career (which has been my main focus). Life is about serving and contributing to the world in any way that I can, but first I must nurture myself.
Now I know to take life day by day, enjoying every minute of it. No strict planning, no aims for perfection, no rights, no wrongs. No searching; just being and knowing. And loving. And giving. And engaging in the things that make my heart sing. If I'm doing all of that and doing it every single day, things will fall into place the way they are intended to. Life will be full of wonder and joy.
Here's to a wondrous and joyful life for all of us!